lovesick bride.

this has taken over my mind for the past week and a half.

being a bride of Christ.

whoa. 

what a concept.

"Your eyes are doves" - Song of Solomon 1:15

doves have no peripheral vision.

here's what the Lord is saying to us, His bride : " You have the eyes of a dove. You have tunnel vision for Me only. You're not distracted with other affections and desires to the right and left. Your gaze is upon me only, and I love that! "

so i've been digging into this a lot lately. honestly it's blowing my mind in the most incredible way possible.

i've been going through this really great devotional book. last night i was flipping through to see what the other chapters were on and it "so happened" to be one that was on this topic. i was overwhelmed with what it said.

As believers we fulfill the feminine role. He initiates, we respond. He gives, we receive. He impregnates, we bring to birth. He leads, we follow. He loves, we reciprocate. He rules, we reign with Him.

He died to marry a beautiful bride who will walk with Him, talk with Him, dream with Him, strategize with Him and rule with Him.

Wow.

torn.

i love people. really i do.
but i get frustrated with them really easily.
I feel that as christians we should hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we generally do. I'm guilty of not doing that.
Tonight as I sat in narrow I was torn. I really want to bring my thoughts of what our relationship with Christ and our relationships with other people should entail. And another part tells me that no one will respect what I have to say and that it'll be taken as judgement. Which has definitely happened before. People will get defensive and pull the whole "well you do this.." card.
I'm sick of comparing ourselves to others in order to make ourselves "look better".

I know that people say that when you get in college you really make the choice whether or not you stay strong in your faith because you no longer have parents to make you go.
I only find that half-way true.
I know that these people love the Lord but, it's almost as if they've fallen into the groove of things. Sitting around tonight watching people text or talk across the room irked me.
I just want us to be passionate about our relationship with the Lord.

Lord, would you move in my life. These things that i tend to harp over Lord, would you take those from me. I pray that you would pour into my life so that I can pour into these people's lives. Don't let me forget that without you I am nothing.
I pray for your annointing over us. Would you reign down your spirit over us.
Thank you Lord. Amen.

( Everytime I finish one of these I feel like it probably didn't come together like i planned so once again please bear with me. ) :)

here we go.

so in order to get hanna off my back i won't put this off any longer... ( just kidding :] )

there is so much going on in my head that it's hard to put it all into words. bear with me.
i've been through a lot of struggles in my life but, this one is at the top of the list. coming home from wild week.. well it just sucks. it was very easy to become content in that environment which i think is really okay for the time being but, those sort of feelings are never meant to last. i was very comfortable there. the relationships that were built had such a firm foundation and i honestly think that is the way God has intended for friendships to be. i don't have a lot of friendships like that here. most of them are very surface level. i want to bring the things that i had this summer into my relationships here but, it's so hard to break through the fear that we have of letting people in. i'm not sure this is even coming together to make sense.

the Lord is really screwing me up. I don't mean that to sound as awful as it does. it's a good thing. actually it's incredible. I know that God is in control but it's hard for me to truly convince myself of that. i like to have some hold on my life even though i know that's only hindering me.
anyway, back to the Lord screwing me up.. basically He is making me very uncomfortable with the life I have been living. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good person. At least I'd like to think that. My family has always encouraged me to be the person that they think i should be. Like Sara. (My sister) She's incredible and yeah the life that she is leading is great. it's typical. and i don't want a typical life. God isn't calling me to that. That freaks me out.
I was talking to my dad about all of this last night. It's weird to have a conversation like this with him. Up until right before leaving for wild week we had never had a really meaningful conversation. the Lord really answered a prayer in that area. He was telling me how he feels that God wants me in some sort of ministry. to hear that from him. whoa.
I feel like going to school for me is a waste of time. i think that what the Lord has for me is beyond what you can pick up in college. my dad was saying that even if we stray off the path that God wants us to be on and we still end up where He wants us then it doesn't matter whether it took longer. i tried to tell him that if i could avoid the time wasted and stay on the path God wanted me on in the first place, wouldn't that make more sense? Just a thought.
Now i'm rambling and i apologize.
i could keep going but, i'll stop for now. :)
thanks for reading.
i love you.