so in order to get hanna off my back i won't put this off any longer... ( just kidding :] )
there is so much going on in my head that it's hard to put it all into words. bear with me.
i've been through a lot of struggles in my life but, this one is at the top of the list. coming home from wild week.. well it just sucks. it was very easy to become content in that environment which i think is really okay for the time being but, those sort of feelings are never meant to last. i was very comfortable there. the relationships that were built had such a firm foundation and i honestly think that is the way God has intended for friendships to be. i don't have a lot of friendships like that here. most of them are very surface level. i want to bring the things that i had this summer into my relationships here but, it's so hard to break through the fear that we have of letting people in. i'm not sure this is even coming together to make sense.
the Lord is really screwing me up. I don't mean that to sound as awful as it does. it's a good thing. actually it's incredible. I know that God is in control but it's hard for me to truly convince myself of that. i like to have some hold on my life even though i know that's only hindering me.
anyway, back to the Lord screwing me up.. basically He is making me very uncomfortable with the life I have been living. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good person. At least I'd like to think that. My family has always encouraged me to be the person that they think i should be. Like Sara. (My sister) She's incredible and yeah the life that she is leading is great. it's typical. and i don't want a typical life. God isn't calling me to that. That freaks me out.
I was talking to my dad about all of this last night. It's weird to have a conversation like this with him. Up until right before leaving for wild week we had never had a really meaningful conversation. the Lord really answered a prayer in that area. He was telling me how he feels that God wants me in some sort of ministry. to hear that from him. whoa.
I feel like going to school for me is a waste of time. i think that what the Lord has for me is beyond what you can pick up in college. my dad was saying that even if we stray off the path that God wants us to be on and we still end up where He wants us then it doesn't matter whether it took longer. i tried to tell him that if i could avoid the time wasted and stay on the path God wanted me on in the first place, wouldn't that make more sense? Just a thought.
Now i'm rambling and i apologize.
i could keep going but, i'll stop for now. :)
thanks for reading.
i love you.
3 comments:
Hey its cool to see you have blog now! It made perfect since! Spit more of these things out! Later
Hey I totally agree about the school/college thing. But sometimes its kind of like our quiet times, we're not going to receive some great revelation every time, but that doesn't mean we should stop reading. Because its sometimes just about the discipline of the thing. Thats how I view school, I'm not getting anything from it with a general studies degree, but I am gaining self discipline by sticking to it!
I totally agree with the paragraph about friendships. It's easy to be vulnerable with people you see for a shorter period of time (such as camp). This is because, "Hey. If they are turned off by my vulnerabilities, I won't see them everyday when I get back home." It's very difficult to let ourselves be vulnerable with anyone we see regularly because, "Hey. If they really knew my heart, my desires, my struggles, they might be turned off of our friendship or might completely think I'm an idiot." I'm in that boat. By the way, the quotes are my own thoughts. I'm not saying you feel this way. :)
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